"I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so I keep everything bottled inside. Half the time, I want to tell someone what I'm feeling, but I don't even know how to describe it so I stay quiet."
Have you ever heard about this word? If not, alexithymia is a term coined by psychotherapist Peter Sifneos in 1973 to describe a state of deficiency in understanding, processing, or describing emotions. But in my case, which I suspect, it's more of the inability to express feelings with words.
Isn't it funny? I'm telling you this without having enough knowledge and deep understanding regarding this kind of deficiency except for the fact that most of the time I can't describe and express my thoughts and feelings which is also relatively the implication of being alexithymic.
I'm unsure if I just can't find the right words to say or it's just me being unable to have the guts in addressing what's in my mind. Whether I'm scared not to be heard or be given the attention I'm expecting to have in return or I'm just afraid that I might be misinterpreted and misunderstood by others.
Whatever it is, I know it's a problem because it's the ground to my feelings of enviousness whenever I encounter people who can speak their minds, those who raise their hands during recitations, those who can present in front of other people serenely. And those who can exchange conversations with others without trying to figure out whether she said the wrong words or she could have been said anything better.
Yes, addressing my thoughts in any form is hard for me. So forgive me if I can't tell you everything right away. But don't feel eerie, I'm now glad that, somehow, gradually, I'm having the courage to at least vent out everything through blogging. And eventually, I know I will have the guts and confidence that will make me a good writer and speaker. :)